THE RIPPLE – News – Canton Daily Ledger – Canton, IL

In your personal relationships, how often do you experience the need to be right?
In order to be “right” we’ve got to judge or accuse someone else of being “wrong.”
In this state, there is rarely any peace.
Sometimes there is a selfish flavor of satisfaction, but do not mistake this for peace.
When we are more concerned about being right than being at peace, we miss out on a very big opportunity to experience empathy and to deepen love and understanding in our relationships.
The need to be right is often tied to a need to control things in a relationship.
The need or desire for control stems from deep insecurity.  
If you often need to be right, or like to control situations, then please do not use this time as an opportunity to judge yourself.
Instead, practice bringing understanding to yourself.
Recall a recent circumstance in which you really needed to be seen as being “right” in order to get your way.
Dive deeply into the feelings of that situation.
There was fear at the core of the situation.
What was your fear?
Go really deep here. The first, second, and even third fear your mind thinks of are most likely smokescreens, or distractions preventing you from going deeper inside to discover the real fear.
The real fear is a core fear that you have carried with you throughout life.
It is the same fear you felt in your previous relationships and even as a child attending school with your friends and classmates.
You often felt this fear even when you were younger, growing up around your family.
I don’t care who you are or how great of an upbringing you had – you felt fear. Everyone does, everyone did as a child.
Everyone still operates largely from this place of fear.
Adults have just found clever ways to mask all of it.
Fear and joy are the two forces of decision making.
We either make decisions from fear or for joy.
Because fear is such a powerful and deceiving force, we make more decisions from fear than we do for joy.
That is because our mind’s number one agenda is to avoid pain.
Because we all have different upbringings, we define pain in different ways, and our fears manifest around different situations.
Most of our fears are thoughts and beliefs that we try to ignore.
And at our very core those thoughts and beliefs say, “You’re not good enough, so you need to do this, say this, become this, buy this house, car, clothing, date this person, marry this person, take this job … to appear to be good enough.”
Some of us enjoy our jobs, and find true joy in our relationships.
Many of us convince ourselves that is true.
We create reasons as to why it should be true, and convince ourselves to believe them, while ignoring the true feelings underneath.
Our fears are also in joyful relationships because our fears are engrained in our core.  
So back to the need to be right…
When you are amid a disagreement, and your blood pressure rises with the overpowering need to prove your point …
Remember this:
Take a few breaths.
Understand that your fears are beneath the need to prove your point (yourself).
Their fears are beneath their mask (frustration) as well.
Get in touch with the hidden fear, and communicate from that space.
Take responsibility for your fear and communicate it from an authentic space inside of your heart.
When you do this you open the door to love.
You bring love to yourself, and you invite the other person to do the same.
In love, no one has to be right, but all can can FEEL heard, appreciated, and seen.  
Then the need to overpower one another is dissolved, and you can be together as equals, in authentic love.

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